it's been like two months pretty much, completely sober.
i've been under no influence of any kind.
kinda buzzed off alcohal, but that wasn't that cool at all.

amber and i are on a break.
i'm not sure where it'll end up.
i've never done it before, never wanted to, and still don't.
my mind is very, one way i guess you could say.
if i've got an idea in my head, it's hard to get out.
and i've got the idea of being single in my head.
i love her, and i know it's what she needed.
i just don't know.

i need to get these drug tests fucking finished.
fuck i still need to go to counceling.
and finish 50 hours of community service.
i'll start this coming monday.
now i'll have more free time.

i don't want to lay down and try to sleep.
it's when my mind wonders.
and i just know it won't be good tonight.
it usually never is, any night.
a lof paranoia.

 it's been about ten days since i've smoked marijuana.
after the third day, it was a breeze.
i don't feel any different.
i didn't want to, but i'm glad i did.
i'm sure when the right time comes where i can get high again, i will love it more than ever.
i know for sure my tollerance by now has gone significantly down.
which means it'll be like i've just started smoking again.
ahhhhhh, sweet sweet memories when weed was so new to me.
i loved it so much more.
i don't think i'm going to be smoking everyday like i was, it's not as enjoyable.

i always feel so much anguish.
i never know why i feel so bad but.
it's a mix of anxiety, irritibleness, and rage that turns into depression.
i don't like it.

ambers depressed.
i'm not sure exactly why.
i think i play a part in it.
i don't like it, she's so depressed.

i'm not looking forward to my court date.
not that i would have any reason to.
i hope i just get a fine and community service.
that would be the best outcome.
the worst.
failing the drug test, going to juvey, probation, drug counceling, and fines.
i feel anguish.

I don't know.
when i feel anguish, i don't know what to say.
how to express it.
i just sit quietly.
not really thinking, just feeling...poor.

i think amber was happier without me.

I am not a kitty cat.
and I will not dance, dance, or dance.
If you wished to see a cat dance, dance, or dance.
Then please do not be my friend. 

dylan  prorok